R077 - Nonviolent Communication, with Dani Muxi

R077 - Nonviolent Communication, with Dani Muxi

What does the real world mean to you?

It's tempting to go metaphysical, but for me, the real world is my relationships. I could talk about perceptions and interpretations, but ultimately what I experience are my connections with others and myself. I spend the entire day in relation: with myself, with the people around me, with the information I consume. For example, when there's a conflict or a catastrophe elsewhere in the world, if I don't have a connection with anyone there, I can only manage my own reaction. But as soon as I know someone affected, it suddenly becomes real because it involves me emotionally. The real is what connects us.

The real is my relationships: with myself and with others. That's where life happens.

Most problems organizations face are related to poor communication. Communication between silos, between teams or within teams, interpersonal, and even the company's own communication with its market, its customers. We don't always know how to communicate as we want. The distance between sender and receiver, more than a straight line, is often a maze of filters, interpretations, assumptions, and biases. Is it really possible to improve our communication skills? To what extent is it innate? Can it be learned? Effectiveness and efficiency? Can we enhance our influence? Today we talk with Dani Muxi, a trainer in nonviolent communication.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is the work of Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist who in the 1960s investigated what made some people lean towards violence and others towards compassion. He discovered that it wasn't just an individual problem, but something structural, in how we learn to think and communicate from a young age.

His proposal is a process that helps us change our way of seeing the world and expressing ourselves to foster empathy and connection. It's a "self-brainwashing" that helps us free ourselves from the domination and judgment mechanisms we grew up with: right and wrong, punishment and reward. NVC is not about being indulgent or condescending, but about creating a language that helps us live better, both for ourselves and others.

Nonviolent Communication is not about being indulgent, but about creating a language that helps us live better, both for ourselves and others.

How does NVC define violence?

For Marshall Rosenberg, violence is any form of communication that disconnects us from our natural compassion. It's not just about physical or verbal aggression, but about how we use language to impose, manipulate, or reject others.

Rosenberg was never satisfied with the name "Nonviolent Communication" because "nonviolence" is a negative term, when in fact the original concept, based on the Sanskrit word Ahimsa, means "the desire not to harm." NVC not only avoids harm but seeks to foster connection and understanding.

In practice, this means that even the desire to change another person can be a form of violence if it doesn't come from a genuine concern for their well-being. Before trying to correct someone, NVC invites us to understand what need they are trying to meet with their behavior.

When you judge someone who is judging, you enter the same game. The key is to recognize it and step out of it.

Why do you say NVC is a process?

Because it involves a continuous transformation of how we communicate and think. Rosenberg structured NVC into a process with four basic components:

1. Observation vs. Evaluation: Learning to describe facts without adding judgments or interpretations.
2. Identifying Feelings: Recognizing our emotions without blaming others.
3. Discovering Needs: Understanding what need is behind our feelings.
4. Making Requests, not Demands: Formulating requests that open dialogue instead of imposing our will.

This is not a rigid method, but continuous training. The key is to learn to detect when we are automatically reacting with judgments or demands and redirect our communication towards something that generates more connection.

Working with reactivity is continuous. It never completely disappears, but we can learn to manage it better.

Transforming our way of communicating can transform our relationships and consequently our life. Resolving conflicts through empathy and mutual understanding. A good goal for a world that is increasingly polarized, increasingly reactionary, and in some ways more hostile.

How do we train in Nonviolent Communication?

The best way to train is in community, with practice groups where we can experiment and receive feedback without fear. You can start with books, podcasts, and workshops, but the most important thing is constant practice.

Roxy Manning, an NVC trainer, says that the first two years of learning should be just for oneself, without trying to "teach" others. First, you need to learn to observe your own judgments and reactions before trying to apply it in your relationships.

In a work environment, NVC also requires an adaptation process. It's not the same to learn it by choice as to attend a mandatory corporate workshop. If perceived as an imposed framework, it can generate resistance. The key is to apply it authentically, not as a prefabricated technique to manipulate communication.

NVC is not just a simple communication method; it's a way of being in the world